怀念母亲

作者｜ 青竹（美国）

英译｜中权（美国）

译审｜Gerry Spoors (英国）

在母亲节来临之际，有千言万语想向妈妈倾诉，阴阳相隔，只能用心语和文字表白，在这节日期间更多的是激起对妈妈生前一桩桩一幕幕往事的回忆。

想起妈妈生前所说过的：我从来不将就，身上多一根汗毛也会拔掉。妈妈走了十五年余，她清脆不老的声音如鸟儿啼唱一般，还常常响彻在我耳旁。她的言谈举止总是那么斯文静美，和她的形体不太相称。她不算太漂亮也称不上太秀气的脸庞，肤色不算白净。但她的心地柔和如丝般，脸上总是表现出淡淡自然微笑的神情，这种笑容弥补了她所有的缺陷。无论事急事慢，总是以慢条斯理的节拍不赶不急地说，让人舒服明白她说的所有内容。妈妈慢但不啰嗦，她的性情，柔美如棉杆上盛开的洁白的花朵，容忍不得他人触碰一下，妈妈从不大声快节奏地说话。    

临别去天堂二零零五年十二月28日(农历冬月)，那夜漫天的大雾，八点半钟在开车载着妈妈去医院的路上，她还坚持忍着心绞痛，含泪带着微笑了结尘缘。在临别前，还要大弟和小弟给我说话时注意分寸，注意语言的内涵和语音的高低，不要惹我这个当姐的生气。妈妈还说我有偏头痛不能受刺激。母亲对我这个长女偏爱有加，把她的爱亳无保留的给了我，让我这个当女儿的感到十分温馨和惭愧。母亲对弟弟们的嘱托竟成了她的临终遗言，令我泪流满面不能自己！

妈妈走的头天晚饭后，大孙儿拿我寄出孝敬妈妈的钱，买了枚纯金四个九的寿戒，坐在妈妈床边聊天，我儿子是爸妈的长孙，他们隔辈爱如心肝。孙子给她戴好在右手无名指的戒指时，据说这是妈妈的回光返照，精神特别饱满，婆孙俩四十分钟左右的聊谈，话题全是说我的内容，儿子偷偷用手机录音，外婆让孙子要孝敬妈妈，告诉他，妈妈十月怀胎和三天难产的辛苦，还告诉他，他出生的第四十二天我患急性乳腺炎，两次手术昏死的悲惨。昏迷状态时，我感觉到自己灵魂出窍，魂魄在手术室四壁飞舞，听妈妈带着抽泣的哭声对医生说，求求你们千万要救活她，妈妈对主刀医生说；“你们看看这娃娃这么小，如果⋯⋯，妈妈想要再往下说，话却全部哽咽在喉咙中。”  是妈妈爱的呼唤，让灵魂回来拥抱我的肉体，死神擦肩而过，是妈妈爱的呼唤让我苏醒过来。主刀医生是四姨妈的女儿，我的表姐珍菊姐姐，给了妈妈的特权准许她进入手术室。一个多月后，在妈妈精心地照顾下，我的伤口痊愈但体重从一百零八斤减少到七十八斤。

事隔二十五年后，妈妈临终前整天放不下的都是远在重洋的我。这真是：

“慈母手中线，

 游子身上衣，

 谁言寸草心，

 报得三春晖。”

这就是最伟大的的母爱。千言万语找不到一句可以贴切表达的爱词。写着这隔天隔地对妈妈的爱，心里总酸涩痛感万分。岁月蹉跎，对妈妈的一往情深今生永存。

为了不让妈妈在天之灵担心，而今我身上有再多的毛病，也淡定不言。终有一天我也会远行，带着妈妈的心愿，不要太挑剔自己，不要太任性固执強势，不要过份劳累，牢记妈妈的嘱托。今天，我过着书香品茗花香满园的日子，到时候去哪个叫永远的地方找爸妈会面，定会给妈妈暖心窝的报道。

 唱着《妈妈的吻》在那遥远的小山庄的歌曲，数不清唱哭我多少遍。那无限暖心纯洁甜蜜的吻，妈妈在世时，我每次总是拥抱着妈妈的双肩，像个没长大调皮的孩子，边唱边吻妈妈左右两边的脸，妈妈忍不住欢心爽朗发出格格的笑声。而今，只能停留在记忆心灵深处，今生今世再也不见。

我为爸妈修的“新房 ”宽敞明亮，屋前两棵松柏，几年的时间已有十尺高，屋檐两边坐落着两个汉白玉雕刻的石狮子，为爸爸妈妈昼夜站岗守护，你们的新屋之位，女儿用重金打点，买到一穴如太师椅的福地，朝前有梯山风景，背靠有山的稳定，欣慰的是爸妈常入我的梦境，梦境中的妈妈容颜是四十开外中年妇女的模样，爸爸还是英姿飒爽的军人。只是妈妈的两条长长的辫子剪成了齐耳短发，右边青丝发上夹有四颗小白珍珠的发卡。满面春风得意的笑容，有爸爸陪伴，爱满心间。有时候也难免充满爱意的怨言，怨爸爸到邻家打麻将，打篮球花多了时间。

奇怪的梦，每次梦游爸妈的新房，高大宽敞的房子缺乏透气一点都不光亮，居然没有一扇窗子。他们要进出还踩着古老传统的竹梯翻到墙外面，妈妈几乎不出门，白天也需点上灯火，那房子高得离奇，梦境中的阴间与阳间确实不同凡响，有着天壤之别的建筑风格⋯⋯。

每当梦见去爸妈新房，妈妈总是为我做些我喜爱爽口的美食，醒来免不了胃胀微痛。据说梦里吃了阴间食物，总会⋯⋯

念亲之心如同在生命里有数不清的牵挂，贯穿布满浑身支支线线的脉博跳动的心弦，生命不息，爱母永无休止。

（念母随笔散文2021.5月5号）

Miss my Mom 

Author:  Qing Zhu​（USA)

English translation: Zhongquan (USA)

When Mother’s Day is approaching, there are a thousand words to confide to my mother. The worlds of yin and yang are separated, so I can only express myself in soul words and written words. During this holiday period, it is more to arouse the memories of the past scenes of my mother’s life.

I think of what my mother said before her death; I never give it up, and I will pluck out one more hair on my body.  My mother has been away for more than fifteen years, and her crisp and immortal voice is like a bird singing, and it often resounds in my ears.  Her speech and deportment are always so gentle and beautiful.  It doesn't match her body type.  She has a face that is neither too beautiful nor too delicate, and her complexion is not too fair.  But her heart was soft and silky, and her face always showed a faint natural smile, which made up for all her shortcomings.  Regardless of whether things are urgent or slow, she always talks lightly with a slow rhythm, so that people feel comfortable and understand everything she says.  Mother is slow but not wordy. Her temperament is as soft as the white flowers blooming on cotton stalks which can't tolerate the touch of the others. She never speaks loudly and fast-paced, if...

Parting to heaven on the 28th winter month of the lunar calendar in 2005. The heavy fog that night my brother was driving my mother to the hospital at 8:30 pm. She still insisted on enduring her angina, tears and smiles to pay the debt of nature.   Before leaving, my mom also need both of my elder brother and the younger brother to pay attention when they speaking to me, pay attention to the connotation of the language and the level of the pronunciation, and don't make me upset.  Mom told them that I have a migraine and cannot be stimulated.  My mother had a preference for her eldest daughter and gave her unreserved love to me, making me as a daughter feel very warm and ashamed.  The mother's entrustment to my brothers became her last words, and I couldn't help myself in tears!

After dinner the day before my mother passed away, my son bought a gold four characters of nine birthday ring with the money I sent to honor my mother, and her grandson sat on the side of my mother’s bed chatting. My son is the eldest grandson of my parents.  They gave their grandson so much love.  When the grandson put her on the ring on the right ring finger, it was said that it was my mother back to light. She was very energetic. The grandmaand grandson had a conversation for about forty minutes. The topic was all about me. The son secretly used the cell phone to record the talk. And the grandmother told my son, he must honor his mother and tell him about the hard labor of having a pregnancy of ten months and a three-day dystocia. My mom also told her grandson that on the 42nd day of my son's birth, I suffered from acute mastitis and almost died from two operations.  When I was in a coma, I felt that my soul was out of my body, and my soul was flying around the walls of the operating room. I heard my mother tell the doctor with sobbing crying, I beg you to save her. My mother said to the chief surgeon; "You Look at this little baby sosmall, if.... my mom wants to say it again, but the words are all choked in her throat." It's mother's love call, let the soul come back to embrace my body, death passed by, its mother the call of love wakes me up.  The chief surgeon is the daughter of the fourth aunt and my cousin, sister Zhenju, gave my mother the privilege and let het enter the operating room.  After more than a month, under the careful care of my mother, my wound healed but I lost 32 lb, my body weight decreased from 118 lb to 86 lb.

Twenty-five years later, the only thing my mother couldn't let go of before she died was me, her daughter who was far away.  This is really as a poem described; 

"Mother's hand thread,

Wandering clothes,

Who said nothing

Repay San Chunhui.  "

This is the greatest maternal love.  Thousands of words can't find a word of love that can be expressed appropriately.  Writing this love to my mother who is separated in the other world, my heart is always sore and painful.  Time flies, and the love for my mother will last forever in my life.

In order to prevent my mother from worrying about the spirit of heaven, no matter how many problems I have in my life, I am still calm.  One day I will also travel far, with my mother's wish, don't be too picky about myself, don't be too self-willed and stubborn, don't be overworked, and keep in mind mother's request.  Today, I am living a life full of books, teas, and flowers. When the time comes to meet my parents in a place called Forever, there will be a report that will warm my mother's heart.

Singing the song 《Mom's Kiss》in that remote small village, I can't count how many times I sang and cried.  That infinitely warm, pure and sweet kiss. When my mother was alive, I always hugged my mother’s shoulders, like a naughty child who hadn’t grown up. I  sang and kissed my mother’s left and right faces. Mother couldn’t help but set off cheerfully.  Laughter.  But now, I can only stay in the depths of my memory, and I will never see it again in this life.

The "new house" I built for my parents is spacious and bright. The two pine and cypresses in front of the house have been ten feet high in a few years. There are two stone lions carved in white marble on both sides of the eaves. They stand guard day and night for mom and dad.  In the new house, I am their daughter and used a lot of money to  purchase a blessed place like a grand teacher's chair. There is terraced mountain scenery in the front and the stability of the mountain behind. I am relieved that my parents often enter my dreams. The mothers in the dreams had the face like forty years old and looked like a middle-aged woman, and my father was still a brave soldier.  It's just that my mother's two long braids are cut into ear-length short hair, and there are four small white pearl hairpins on the right blue silk hair.  A triumphant smile on her face, accompanied by my father, full of love.  Sometimes it is unavoidable to complain about love, complaining that my father went to the next door to play mahjong, and it took too much time to play basketball.

Strange dreams, every time I was sleepwalk to my parents’ new house, the tall and spacious house lacks ventilation and is not bright at all, and there is no window.  They have to go in and out and step on the ancient traditional bamboo ladder to climb outside the wall. Mom hardly goes out and needs to light up the lights during the day. The house is strangely high, and the underworld and the sun in the dream are indeed extraordinary, with a world of architecture.  Style...！

Whenever I dream of going to my parents’ new house, my mother always cooks some delicious food for me, which makes me feel bloated and slightly painful when I wake up.  It has been said that when a person ate underworld food in his dream, he would always... 

The heart of missing love one is like countless in life, the pulse of the beating heartstring that runs through the branches and branches of the whole body, life is endless, and the love of mother is endless.

(Qing Zhu's Essays on May 5, 2021)

作者简介：

青竹 ，1952年生。1988年自考汉语言文学五科单科结业证。本来是学经管专业，但是，偏偏喜欢文学。自青少年起就是文学爱好者，曾经在厂里报刊上常常发表文章及广播稿。于1993年开始写作诗歌，散文，在报纸上发表过数篇小诗文。后来拜了一个诗人成都星星诗刊副审编王志杰先生为师。他曾多次鼓励我在川大出版诗集，但因工作繁忙和下海经商等等事务，沒时间从事业余创作因而搁浅。1993年参加河北女子函授诗刊培训班学习，记得大概1994年春节后接到诗刊邀请去山东参加笔会，此次笔会由汪国真舒婷，席慕蓉，曹增书等人组织。因学校刚开学走不开，这次笔会没能如愿以偿。

2001年来到大洋彼岸美国，生活一切从零开始，两眼一模黑……通过努力，站稳脚跟，最终超过预想，有了一个较为理想的结果……。

去年因全人类新型冠状病毒感染，宅家隔离有充足的时间，提笔完成一直梦想的半自传小说的终身愿望。

英译者简介：

王中权，男，研究生毕业于复旦大学医学院，从事临床和医学研究，已退休。酷爱文学，诗歌和音乐。现居美国。

Wang Zhongquan, male, graduated from Fudan University School of Medicine with a postgraduate degree, engaged in clinical and medical research, and has retired.  Love literature, poetry and music.  Now living in the US.  

Translation Review Profile :

Gerry Spoors comes from the North-East of England and has written poetry throughout his life. Professionally ，he is a Chartered Chemist and a Fellow of the Royal Society of Chemistry.His new book ‘Arthur of the Red Robe’ has been published 。

Gerry Spoors来自英格兰东北部，一生都在写诗。专业人士，博士学位，他是特许化学家和皇家化学学会会员。他的新书《红袍的亚瑟》已出版。

本期总编：静好（英国）

注：图片来自网络。